I’ve always been someone who has to know. My mother used to mock me by saying ‘the nose knows’, implying that I was nosey and in everyone’s business. She wasn’t half wrong. I do love to know what is going on. I want to ‘know.’
Perhaps this is some part of being on the autism spectrum (both my kids are and through them I can see how I may be too), I was very introverted and observant as a child, sucking my thumb until age 11 (possibly to self sooth and to hide and not have to talk if I didn’t want to). I studied people and the world and did my best to learn all the rules so that I could stick to them.
I masked myself. I did what I thought my father or teachers wanted. I studied psychology. I never felt like I fit. Moving to Australia to marry my husband was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. Here I fit better. With him I fit.
I tried several jobs and was successful at them. While studying to become a psychologist and working in retail, I heard: ‘You’re a natural salesperson. Could you train others?’ While working in a call centre but aiming to work in marketing, I heard: ‘You’re great on the phone, can we use your voice on the company auto answering service?.’ While working my way up in the marketing department, I heard: ‘You’re so organised, you should be an executive secretary.’ When I set up in a new school as a teacher, having taught for 6 or so years, I heard: ‘You have an eye for design in your classroom, you should be an interior designer.’
I can’t be cross at these comments. It must have been subconsciously evident that these jobs were not my why…although that last one still rankles…(I don’t want to be an effing interior designer, I’m a teacher and a damn good one thanks!) Obviously that school was not the right fit.
It is hard for me to find myself. It is hard for me to identify my why. But over all of these years I have been getting closer and closer to it.
I can measure my level of ‘finding my why’ success by my joy and sense of accomplishment inside myself. I can measure this also by how challenging I find it…truth be told, I am a good salesperson, I can (with practice) have a nice voice, I am very organised and I appreciate that spaces ‘speak.’ I am good at things but that doesn’t mean they are my ‘why’ or that they are the right fit.
I am all of these things and more: an artist, a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a niece, an aunt, a gardener, a cousin, a friend, a beagle carer, a laugher, a reader, a writer, a learner and, possibly most of all, a teacher.
A lot of things are my ‘why,’ depending on who I’m with and the situation. But what stands true and challenges me–let’s not forget that being in our comfort zones is not being true to our ‘why– and what gives me the greatest sense of accomplishment is enabling the accomplishments of others. (AKA: teaching).
Teaching is my why.
Teaching is my why I didn’t quit when I had two children with additional needs. Teaching is my why I didn’t quit when I was told I didn’t have a contract two years in a row. Teaching is my why I am no longer working in sales, or marketing or at schools where I’m not valued.
I just have to change how my teaching job looks for me in this current climate of data collection and standardised testing…in this climate of casualisation and over abundance of principal power…in this climate of funding cuts and library closures.
I might not get a job as a teacher librarian. But I’ll be damned if anyone will stop me from becoming trained to be one. I love to know. I have to know what’s going on. I want to be a teacher librarian.
Trust me on this, the nose knows.
